


I Remember

by lucianlibrarian



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Anal Fingering, Angst and Feels, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Gambling, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Bad At Tagging, IgNoct, Ignoct Week, Ignoct Week 2019, Implied Ignis Scientia/Nyx Ulric, Implied/Referenced Underage Drinking, Jealousy, M/M, Masturbation, Minor Noctis Lucis Caelum/Lunafreya Nox Fleuret, Minor Noctis Lucis Caelum/Nyx Ulric, Minor Prompto Argentum/Noctis Lucis Caelum, Mutual Pining, Sexual Fantasy, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-06
Updated: 2019-08-06
Packaged: 2020-08-10 06:37:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20130976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucianlibrarian/pseuds/lucianlibrarian
Summary: An exploration of some of Noctis's memories, desires, and fears surrounding Ignis, using the structure of Joe Brainard's poetic memoirI Remember.[author’s note: all relevant sexual content takes place while Noctis is between the ages of 16 and 18.]





	I Remember

**Author's Note:**

> I like much of what I ended up doing here and will probably steal a significant portion of the ideas and language for my longer project—but obviously the form will have to go. I love it, I think it's beautiful, but it was ultimately just a way for me to enter Noctis's headspace, since I've been spending most of my time in Ignis's.
> 
> This started as being about possessiveness but ultimately ended up exploring public and private selves a little, too. So I guess I killed two birds with one stone? ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> [ _written for IgNoct Week 2019, days 4+7: possession + public/private_ ]

I remember the calico cat that used to follow me to the car after school, singing for tuna.

I remember sylleblossoms, blue and bold and so very, very bright against white clouds and Luna’s white, white dress.

I remember that dessert I had in Tenebrae, the one Ignis is always trying to recreate. He’s close, I can feel it.

I remember the first time I saw Ignis cry. Count Gerrae’s son had stolen his favorite toy, a small robot whose wind-up mechanism could sharpen pencils, and stomped it until its head cracked and legs shattered. I gave that kid a black eye. Dad gave me a week of extra lessons with my least-favorite tutor and sent me to bed without dessert or stories. Ignis snuck into my room every night. I made up stories just for him, and we fell asleep in each other’s arms.

I remember my first kiss. It was with Ignis. He kissed my cheek and I kissed his and we both promised to always take care of one another. Then we pressed our lips together, I curled into his lap, and he stroked my hair while I told him about the prince who wanted to be a princess and the dragon-born wanderer who swept him off his feet.

I remember my first _real_ kiss. It was with Prompto. It was a bet. We both swore it didn’t mean anything. We were both lying.

I remember how I fell asleep to impressions of that kiss for weeks. How his golden lashes brushed against my cheekbones. How my tongue shrank back until his coaxed mine forward, deeper. How the heat between us pooled lower, lower. It haunted my dreams.

I remember how Dad would grind his teeth at dinner whenever he was pissed at some politician or another. If I asked about it, he’d swear he was just tired. I knew better.

I remember to always turn the rod toward the fish.

I remember Gladio snuck me three glasses of champagne at a state dinner when I was fifteen. Ignis also snuck me a glass. And then Dad gave me one. Both he and Nyx told me later that I’d never been more charming, unaware I was drunk most of the evening.

I remember losing ¥1000 to Nyx, who swore Crowe would beat me in a straight elemancy fight. She did. Then I took Nyx for ¥2000—_come on, double or nothing, don’t be a coward_—when I bet that Ignis would try to stop the wagers when he found out. Not if. _When._

I remember that losing made Nyx call off the Prince Noctis Betting Pool for a whole month.

I remember Nyx wasn’t my first crush, not by a long shot, but he was the first person I actually imagined when touching myself. Pictured his grinning face as I pinched my nipples and gasped. Envisioned him leaning forward to lick my neck as I gripped my hardening cock. Thought of him whispering my name as I slid thumb over head, over slit, gathered precome to slick down shaft, panted into the dark because he’d never called me by my name, not once, only my title—and I wanted him to say my name _so bad_.

I remember the last time I saw Dad cry. It was two days before I moved into my apartment. I couldn’t sleep and decided to walk around the Citadel. Just let foot move in front of foot. Somehow found myself nearing the Crystal Chamber. Stopped when I realized the shadow in front of me was Dad. His hand was pressed to the vault door. His shoulders shook, and in the three o’clock silence, I could hear his sobs. I left and went back to bed but did not close my eyes. I never asked who those tears were for. I knew I’d interrupted something so private, it would’ve killed us both to admit it.

I remember the warm thrum of the Regalia’s engine.

I remember if I can find Ramuh’s Staff in summer night skies, Shiva’s Crown in winter, or the Infernian’s Fist in fall or spring, I‘ll never truly be lost.

I remember the way Luna would smile at me when I asked her to tell me about the Astrals. Do smiles have a sound? I swear hers did. It was like a porcelain wind chime in a perfect spring breeze. I can even hear it when I read our exchange diary. I never understood how. I still don’t.

I remember realizing that I loved Luna but maybe didn’t love her _that_ way. Loving her felt as natural as breathing, but touching her? Kissing? A caress of cheek or—_dare I consider it_—two fingers tracing her inner forearm? _Horrific_ intimacy. Which I knew wasn’t fair. She was a person with a body and desires just like me, not a marble statue or an untouchable virgin priestess. But what could I do to change how I felt? I was so afraid of corrupting her.

I remember it wasn’t always Prompto’s face I dreamt of when I dreamt of his kiss.

I remember it was almost never Prompto’s face I dreamt of when I dreamt of his kiss.

I remember once it was Luna’s face, and I cried as soon as I woke.

I remember spending hours in the Citadel pool doing handstands, just to fall out of them and feel my stomach flutter. It reminded me of magic. Of not-magic. Of being in love.

I remember seeing so many cocks in that pool. In the showers. In the locker rooms. I tried not to look, I really did. Then I learned to be subtle when I realized I’d never stop looking.

I remember Prompto was the first person to ask me if I liked anyone. It was about a week after the bet. _Yeah,_ I said, _but nothing serious._ Same, he said. I mean, I kinda had a crush on you, but I think I like you better as a friend, y’know? _Man,_ I said, _I must kiss real bad._ He punched my arm. Duuude, he said, don’t be like that! We both laughed a lot. And after a while he added, Hey. The kiss was nice. Like, real nice. You made me feel safe.

I remember _up, up, up, hold X+Y, down, down, B, select, A, start_ unlocks the _Justice Monsters Five_ alternate quest.

I remember that Nyx started looking at Ignis more after I befriended Prompto, a lot more once Ignis joined the Crownsguard.

I remember Nyx bet me that I wouldn’t kiss Prompto. Fucking Nyx. Said he’d seen us together, was sure Prompto wanted to. The wager was ¥10000. I didn’t need the money and told Prompto he could have it all; I just wanted to win. We texted a photo from my phone as proof. I’d never seen Nyx look so happy to lose so much money.

I remember Nyx asked Ignis out for coffee the next day. Maybe another time, Ignis said. You don’t seem like the coffee type. I’m not, Nyx said, but I’m willing to be because you are. Even I was impressed by how smooth that was. Fucking Nyx.

I remember thinking the two of them standing next to one another smelled like an Aegir Spice Latte.

I remember no amount of sugar can make an Aegir Spice Latte not taste like a latte.

I remember being so angry. Because Nyx was mine. Because Ignis was mine. They weren’t allowed to be with each other. It felt like a betrayal. It felt like a fantasy. Like Nyx had set me up. Like Nyx had given me a terrifying gift.

I remember that night, I asked myself if I had I ever even _thought_ of Ignis that way. Or was he, like Luna, someone I had always cordoned off in my mind and heart as untouchable? I wasn’t shy about seeking his attentions. Prompto had noticed it almost immediately. Six, even Gladio had noticed, though he’d always dismissed it as the habits of a spoiled prince. And Astrals, Ignis was beautiful, even—_perhaps especially_—at his most unpolished and awkward, because in those moments, he was his rawest self.

I remember I came before I even finished reaching into my boxers.

I remember biting my arm to stifle the scream I wanted to make. It bruised a rich, deep purple with green around the edges. Green, like his eyes.

I remember kissing that bruise every time I jacked off until it faded.

I remember Dad cleared his calendar for a week and a half—_unprecedented!_—so we could camp and fish and train in Royal Magic together. He said he did something like this with his dad, and now it was his turn to do it with me. We drove to the middle of nowhere in the Regalia, pitched the nicest tent I’d ever seen. He thrilled at how quickly I grasped the more advanced warp techniques he demonstrated, how far I could already throw the Engine Blade. I caught us a meal almost every day. At night, we talked about the stars and the Astrals and House Lucis Caelum. Son, he said one night, you know your grandfather did not have the highest opinion of the Astrals. _Because of your Royal Gift_, I said, _anticipating a weapon’s movements. I heard Grandpa Mors told you to pray for a hero’s death or a very good advisor because you’d never be able to rule in peacetime. _Who told you that? he asked. _Clarus. He was drunk. _Of course. Yes, he did tell me that. He told me a lot of unkind things he regretted late in life. I swore to myself that I’d never be that kind of a father. That I’d never say things I wouldn’t have the chance to take back. _Dad, you’ve never done anything like that. I promise. _He stared at me, eyes bloodshot but tearless, before he finally said, Good. That’s good. I hope that doesn’t change.

I remember the Marilith.

I remember Carbuncle.

I remember fire and blood and pain, so much fucking pain. The pain never really goes away, does it?

I remember how much my back and hip ached after I got back from that camping trip. When Ignis came over to take me to the masseuse and review my schedule, he seemed different. I couldn’t put my finger on _how_, but it wasn’t just the new glasses. Part of me wanted to ask if he and Nyx had fucked while I was gone, but I was afraid to know the answer.

I remember the next time I came, it was with one hand squeezing my cock, one fingering my ass, my face half-buried in a pillow, and my brain conjuring a fantasy of Ignis taking me while Nyx watched from another room, knowing he would never have me like this.

I remember the next time I sparred against Nyx, I wiped the floor with him so completely, he actually apologized for pissing me off. _You didn’t do anything, _I lied, digging my knees into his biceps just a little harder. _I just got a few tips from my dad._ That’ll do it, Nyx said with laugh, so sorry-not-sorry? He winked. His smile was radiant. I almost melted. I almost kissed him. Instead, I slithered down his torso and climbed off to a round of whistles and cheers. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Gladio and Ignis. Gladio puffed his chest like a proud older brother. Ignis, though—he looked pale, sweaty. He kept licking his lips and swallowing. That night, I left the training room ¥59750 richer. I fist-bumped Gladio as I wandered toward Ignis and then, in a move that made Nyx’s jaw drop, pressed the entire amount into Ignis’s breast pocket. _It’s only fair,_ I said with the biggest shit-eating grin I could manage,_ since you guys insist on leaving Iggy out of the pools. Now, who wants ramen?_

I remember the next time I saw Gladio, he told me the Glaives were suspending the Prince Noctis Betting Pool. Again._ How long you wanna bet this one lasts?_ I asked. Well, you hustled them pretty bad, said Gladio, and that level of heat ain’t cooling for a while. _Two months?_ Maybe even three! Gladio chuckled, smacked his palm against his thigh, shook his head. I swear, I’ve _never_ seen Nyx look that humiliated. By the way, giving Ignis the money in front of him was damn inspired. Where’d you get that idea?

I remember when Ignis found the photo Prompto and I took on Nyx’s phone. I couldn’t believe he kept it. What did he even need it for? Fucking Nyx. And what was Ignis doing going through Nyx’s phone anyway? Fucking Ignis. _Prompto and I are just friends_, I said when he burst into my apartment like some hissing whirlwind. _It was a bet. You know how the betting pool went. Besides, what the fuck do you care? You mad your boyfriend has pictures of me, or did you want the money I made from that bet, too?_

I remember he punched me in the face. Hard. It should have knocked me to the floor, but I could feel adrenaline and magic—_and yes, arousal_—flooding me, keeping me upright. His eyes went wide. _You think that fucking hurt? _I laughed, my voice cracking like I was thirteen all over again._ Not even close. You’ve hurt me worse than this, Ignis, and you didn’t even have to touch me. Try harder! Come on! Come on!_ I was practically screaming. Something in him broke. I’m sorry, he whispered. Oh Astrals, Noct, I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m so sorry— _Don’t be fucking sorry, be angry! You’re angry and I’m angry and why can’t we just be angry it’s easier to be angry it’s so much easier—_ But suddenly I was crying and he was crying and we were both sobbing in each other’s arms on the floor of my apartment.

I remember he was the one who finally dragged us to my bed. How long? he asked, pulling my shirt over my head. How long, Noct? _I don’t know, _I said, _but I can’t remember a time it hasn’t been you._ Oh, he moaned. Oh my. I didn’t know. Or maybe I always knew. I swear the longing I tasted on his lips was the same as that dessert he was always trying to recreate.

I remember I woke up with a black eye. He woke up with an incredible hickey on his neck. _Sorry, _I said. I’m the one who should be apologizing, he said, fingers lightly brushing my swollen cheekbone.

I remember Prompto saw my eye later that evening and said, Duuude, did you piss off Ignis or something? He's always been so intuitive; how does he do that? _Funny story, actually_, I said. _I spooked him coming through the door with groceries, and he decked me._ That’ll teach you, Prompto said with a laugh and a slap to my ass, to come between a man and his food! _By the way, _I added, _he’s feeling real apologetic right now. Wanna order takeout? _I felt bad lying to my best friend, but it was for a good cause. Maybe someday, I could tell him.

I remember that I’m forgetting things. I’m always forgetting things. That’s why I have Ignis and his schedules and all these reminders on my phone. More than that, I know I’m forgetting things from my past as I make new memories. That least-favorite tutor once said that the reason constant study and rote memorization were so important was because the mind grew lazy if given the opportunity. I think about this sometimes with Dad. That worry he has about being like Grandpa Mors. What he fears forgetting. And of course, I think about Ignis, who remembers more than me. Half the time, he remembers _for_ me. But he can’t remember things like this.

I remember the subtle differences between every iteration of that dessert he keeps trying to recreate. Not the ingredients, but the way they taste to me. The precise way they don’t taste like that dessert but do taste like Ignis.

I remember that he folds his jacket with the sleeves pointing left—_never right_—when he wants to fuck.

I remember the quiet _tap tap tap_ of his pen against the hinges of his glasses whenever he’s concentrating on work.

I remember he had a panic attack the first time he tried to stretch me open. He thought he hurt me, tore something. He fled the bedroom and threw up. I had never loved him more.

I remember that as much as I love him—_and I love him more than anything_—I am a prince who will someday be a king.

I remember I made a promise to Luna.

I remember I love her, too.

I remember I have a destiny.

I remember there’s no dragon-born wanderer or pirate queen or dashing lord coming to save me from it.

**Author's Note:**

> Fun fact: I own a robot toy like the one I describe teeny!Ignis having. You can wind it with a key or by sharpening a pencil.
> 
> Bother me on Discord—starryfox#7213—if you'd like! ♥


End file.
